Perfectionism and all its poisons — an open letter to my five-year-old son

I’ve developed a habit of writing letters to my son as a vehicle to begin conversations with him we can’t fully have in person for a few years. I thought this one might be normalizing to our community of type-a, self-critical humans.

Photo credit: Twenty20 @crystalmariesing

Marco,

One of the things I’ve struggled with most in my life, and something I hope with all my heart that you might not inherit from me, is a constant and nagging drive for ‘perfect.’ I’m not entirely sure where it came from, but I’ve carried it with me since I was a child.

In elementary school, I can remember a drive for perfect scores. I remember an almost OCD obsession with things like walking an equal number of steps with each foot. Or if a bush brushed against my right hand needing to go back and let it brush against my left hand.

I’m 38 years old right now, and I’m just waking up to how much perfectionism has run my life. On the one-hand, it’s a super power. I can help drive any project or organization to greatness. That side of perfectionism is perhaps the positive side that can be viewed as a drive for greatness, for impact, for living an big and fruitful life.

The other side of the coin, perfectionism or a self-critical drive, can be debilitating. It clouds my own experience of my life, my work, and my relationships. It’s also utterly impractical and unhelpful.

There are no rewards in the real-world for perfect.

The world isn’t changed by people doing perfect work at all in fact. It’s shaped by people doing their best to improve or create things against incredible odds and failing in uncountable ways along the journey.

In fact, we were born into that pattern. It’s a part of our role as humans in the universe. Evolution was driving this pattern for millions of years before we even arrived on this planet. Nature doesn’t know or celebrate ‘perfect.’ Even in her most beautiful creations, cells are changing and dying even before the organism is fully grown. Wander the wilderness and you’ll find zero perfect trees, plants, or animals. Everything is marked with quirks or scars, just as you and I are.

And nothing in nature grows or hunts or builds with perfection. Most of nature is messy, built by a pattern of evolving or learning through happy accidents and failings.

Who then are we humans to arrive and strive for perfection?

My wish for you is that you let yourself explore, learn, fail, and get messy with abandon.

School isn’t going to do you any favors here. Our current education system celebrates ‘perfect’ but gets ‘what matters’ all wrong. You’ll need to find your own way here — find your ability to learn out of curiosity and tackle subjects where you’ve no hope of mastery. And that’s where the fun stuff is.

Maybe you’ll grow up to be a fanciful artist who gives zero shits about grades, titles and promotions. That would be beautiful.

If you don’t dodge this family curse, if you grow up to find yourself wrapping your identity or sake of well-being into your achievements, that’s ok too. You’ll be ok. There are ways out. But it isn’t easy.

Here are a few things that I’m learning help light the path as I learn to walk alongside this too familiar friend:

1. Know yourself- Journaling, writing, therapy, and reflections from honest friends are all invaluable tools for really getting to know yourself. We aren’t born with a well-formed ability to step outside ourselves and look at ourselves objectively. We naturally spend our lives stuck in our own heads unable to separate the criticisms we hear in our heads from our true selves. With practice, you can find some separation here. I’m not sure where exactly those voices come from, but you can find space from them. You can begin, with time, to treat yourself with the same grace and care you would a good friend.
2. Celebrate yourself- In the same way you wouldn’t wait for a good friend to be perfect before celebrating her or her accomplishments, don’t wait on perfection or massive life milestones to celebrate yourself. Celebrate everything. I’ve gotten in the practice of meditating each morning. After I’m done, I give myself a huge hug and tell myself what a wonderful job I’m doing in my life. That ten seconds each morning has been huge for me in my effort to find space from that inner self-criticism.
3. Practice imperfection- If you’re bent toward ‘perfect,’ sometimes it’s wonderful to practice imperfect. When I’m writing, I sometimes find the exercise helpful of time-boxing one hour to get something written, edited, and published. I force myself to get something out in the world that I know in advance won’t be pefect. Another exercise I’ve found helpful is to sometimes take something other than the least direct route when driving between two locations. I intentionally celebrate imperfection and the space it creates. (Unclear whether that will be possible with your self-driving car, but you get the point.)
4. Take note of your grading of others — Developing close friendships, leading people, and becoming a parent have all taught me a lot about holding grace for other people. What surprised me most in each of these roles was how much more understanding I gave other people than I gave myself. Especially as a parent. Every day since you were born, I’ve seen you utterly and perfectly complete just as you are. It doesn’t matter whether you’re smiling and laughing, succeeding at something you’ve recently learned, or vomiting all over me and coloring like a blind baby monkey. I view you exactly the same. Whole, perfect, complete, enough. You are those things by just being you. Watching the way I accept you, and beginning gingerly to apply that kind of acceptance and care to myself, has been life changing. One of the many ways your existence in my life has left an indelible mark on me. Thank you for that.

Thank you for letting me share some of my life struggle and learnings with you. I can’t to one day have a beer with you and talk about all of life. I love you so much and wish such joy and contentment for your life.

Papa